Dark Moments

As the time drew nearer to the OCM17 4th session, I still have not figured out what to “show and tell” my significant past relationship. Whatever memento that I have from my ex-pals, they are probably scattered somewhere in my home in KL. There is a CD by Madonna, an empty bottle of Boss eau de toilette, a fragment of an old photo, etc. They are like charitable handouts endowed onto me which I scrambled to keep as broken pieces of memory like a scavenger joint.

What came in view was the used canister of aspartame left by my parents. I have kept it within closed range since I inherited it. In some way, it sort of reflect the type of my past relationships. The relationship was sugary sweet but it was never like the real thing, the kind which I longed for. It has expiration date and is fated to turn sour and bitter at the end of its useful life. It is fragile and susceptible to external factor like denial, rejection, contradiction, disapproval, and dispute; eventually it will rot and deteriorate to the effect of exposure to sunlight and dampness.

Symbolically, It brought back sweet memories of the first date and love makings, the meals we had together, the vacation we made like a couple. The fluttering of the heart(s) when the eyes meet, the yearning to spend time together. However, behind my mind, I could not help but keep reminding myself that these were just moments of fleeting pleasure and ephemeral joys of the union of bodies and souls. All these shall come to an end when the time is up.

Blame it on self suppression for fear of exposure and commitment. It pains me enormously for the incomplete closure of my love life since I could never share the up and down of my love journeys with my parents. Blame it on self sabotage, I have the deadly fixation of fouled up relationships, love hate tension, and jealousy. My world is doomed with endless and futile search for true love and relationship.

This is my cynical view of gay relationships through the tainted and distorted lens, which probably were shaped based on past experiences. For self protection, I have chosen to retract into my shell and numb my feelings to prevent further wreckage of whatever little well being left in me.