On Grief and Grieving

I know it sounds morbid to talk about death in the face of the living. I know it is hard to discuss death where many would feel uncomfortable.

Whenever my mom talked to me about the arrangement of her funeral, I felt uneasy and queasy. It is as if death is near. We all know death is inevitable but I have foolishly hoped that if we don't talk about it, we could delay it as much as possible.

Both my parents were in subprime health since their 50s. My dad suffered from diabetes, hypertension and later he developed total renal failure. We were helpless and witnessed the decline of his health a day at a time until he must undergo haemodialysis to sustain his life. Frequent visits to the dialysis centre and numerous trips to the emergency room for blood transfusion, there was never an easy moment. In the initial stage, my dad took it out on my mom and I as he was in the stage of denial and anger. During his last days, he uttered to me, "For death, one can only face it alone, all by oneself." When he passed away, I was devastated. I felt a sense of deept guilt for not giving him the best medical care and was responsible for his prolonged suffering.

My mom also suffered from diabetes and hypertension. She had a cardiac infarction which left her with a weak heart. Later she has to undergo amputation surgery of her right leg (below knee) because of gangrene on the foot. Maybe it is a common characteristic of female, my mom has a higher level of tolerance and endurance towards pain and illness. After my dad's demise, I was able to give my full attention to my mom to ensure she has a high quality of life despite her invalid status. She had lived her life in dignity and never become a burden to me despite my frequent travel to Shanghai then.

I have found solace and refuge from reading the following books by renowned authors on the subjects of death and grief . The books are written in an empathetic and sensitive manner and it covers the full spectrum of human emotions in the face of dying and grieving. Equip yourself with such insightful knowledge will bring peace within oneself and the understanding of those in grief and dying.

"On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
-- for the person who faces terminal illnesses and coping with the 5 stages of dying, and all those with an interest in bereavement.

"The Needs of the Dying" by David Kessler
-- A guide for bringing hope, comfort, and love to life's final chapter.

"On Grief and Grieving" co-author by Kubler-Ross and Kessler
-- deeply empathetic and accessible guide for those in grief, fuses practical wisdom with spiritual insight as it forges a path to wholeness.

Be Your Best Judge

When we were little, our parents used to punish us if we did something wrong. It is the feeling of guilt that was instilled in us. However, we were too young then to comprehend the mistake that we committed, or to understand the consequences that we brought unto ourselves or the others. As a child, we depend on our parents or teachers to tell us what is right from wrong. It is always a black and white world.

In the grown up world, there are also black and white where crimes like stealing, violence, rape, killing is totally unacceptable. Likewise there are virtues like punctuality, keeping promises, filial piety, faithfulness, which are endorsed by the general public. However, there are also gray areas in our daily lives. The fundamental and golden rule will be "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." In simple words, we should treat people as we would like to be treated, at least with respect, consideration and appreciation.

Feedback that we received should neither be seen as negative or positive, they can be perceived as neutral information to reflect upon ourselves. No one will be judging you over your behaviour and the conduct with our fellow humans. You are the best judge for your own actions and the bearer of the consequences. It should be driven by our conscientious.

After all that were said and done, let's strive towards closing a situation for the better and not the worse. And be hopeful there will always be a way in achieving that!

Singapore's PinkDot.SG Event

After reading aLong's email dated 7 May on PinkDot.SG, I wanted to learn more about the PinkDot.SG Event. I looked up the Internet and was surprised that a conservative country like Singapore would allow such an event to be held. I love the promotional videos, they were well directed and showed the genuine voices of ordinary people.

The curiosity got the better of me and I decided to check out if anyone from OCM17 was interested in taking part. After some "caution" emails from Lawrence and aLong, I thought the attendance of OCM17 will die a natural death. By 17:00 14 May, there was still no response to my second email. Luckily the momentum started to pick up after Lawrence, aLong, Peter and Selwyn showed their support and confirmed their attendance. By 15:50 on 15 May, everyone has responded either through email, MSN or phone. As it turned out, OCM17 has a full attendance from all group members at the Event. Congratulation!

That day on the ride to the venue, I was overly aware when people looked in my direction. I wonder if they knew about me attending the Event or they were just staring at my pink shirt. In a way, attending the Event is like telling others I am gay! What if I bump into colleagues and friends? Panic! Shall I tell them a lie or the truth?

When the seven of us gathered at the Settler's Cafe prior to the Event, I felt more at ease with myself. Here there were 6 gorgeous guys who wore pink too! When we moved to Hong Lim Park, there were hundreds of them in pink! By now, I felt more at home among our kinds, except that we all come in different "shapes and sizes" and shades of PINK. Of course there were eye candies everywhere you turned! I wonder what kind of stories they have in their lives, especially their journeys on the Winding Path.

The rest of the Event was a blur to me. aLong introduced us to other OCM members, OC group, the organisers (Roy Tan), etc. I could not hear clearly what was said on stage by the three ambassadors. But the video link on YouTube sent by aLong made it up for me.

In a way, I wished more people would turn up to support the cause. OTOH, I think we have made a statement and the message is clear and loud. Bravo! All in all, I am glad that I have been a tiny pink dot for this inaugural Event!

The Journey - From Denial to Acceptance

In Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s ground breaking book “On Death and Dying” (1969) and later in her last book “On Grief and Grieving”, she introduced the Kubler-Ross model which describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people allegedly deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss; or grieving over the lost of loved ones.

I wonder if these five stages are also applicable when a gay person comes to term with his own sexuality. The five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Everybody’s manifestation of the five stages could be different from the others.

I wonder if I have been living in denial since I did not come out to myself until quite late although I have strong sexual emotion towards men. I don’t remember being angry with myself or going through the bargaining stage. Maybe all these three stages were rolled into one as I lived my life, hiding from my feelings and numbing my emotions, like outright denial. I could also be angry with myself by refusing to look at relationship beyond ONS and no-string attached, in a way punishing myself that I don't deserve anything better. I could have bargained by trying to get into marriage and hoping this will let me lead a normal, albeit unhappy, life like a heterosexual male.

I rarely have any bout of depression until I look into my heart, questioning my existence and life intention, dealing with hard and difficult questions related to the purpose of life and sexuality.

• So, what do you plan to do with the rest of your life? asked Gabriel.
• I am dumb founded. I could only murmur meekly, “I don’t know.”

It is definitely pointless to dwell in the past. What has happened cannot be undone. And life moves on. Question is: Have I finally, and fully, arrived at the acceptance stage? 

Do You Care Enough For Me?

There was a game we played during the Basic Training.

WARNING: This might be a spoiler for those who wished to attend the Basic Training in the future.

The light in the room was dimmed but bright enough to see the facial expression of each participant. The soothing instrumental music was playing in the background. We were asked to line up in a file of two and stood facing the other person. The two ends of the line meet and it is formed in a closed loop.

There are only two simple actions we need to do. We will look at our opponent in the eyes and then put out our right hand with a sign and carry out an action. After this is done with the person, we will take a step to the right and come face to face with the next person in line. This will goes on and on. No word shall be spoken.

We have a choice of the following options:

• If you do not wish to have any contact with your opponent, you will show a clenched fist.
• If you put out your index (only one) finger, you only wish to shake the other person’s hand.
• If you show two fingers as the symbol of victory, you will pat the person lightly on his or her shoulder.
• When you show your hand with an outward palm, it is your desire to give the person in front of you a bear hug.

So the options are, starting from the lowest, “do nothing”, “shake hands”, “a pat on the shoulder”, “a bear hug”. When the signals given by the two persons are different, the lower option will be acted out. The bear hug is only necessary when both persons put out their hands with an outward palm. Prior to the game, the trainer, with the help of the facilitator, had shown us how to do a proper bear hug without arousing any implication of sexual harassment or embarrassment.

As the game began, I would look intently into their eyes of the person standing in front of me. They are new faces and none of them look familiar. Bear in mind, there were over 200 participants and they are mostly strangers, at most new acquaintances. Not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings, I would usually give him or her one or two fingers. In reminiscence, I realised I was judging the person by his or her look, age, gender, and the facial expression.

It all started with either a firm handshake or a gentle pat on the shoulder. As I moved along, I received the first hand with an open palm as opposed to my one or two fingers. As more and more people were giving me the open palm, I started to rethink my options. The faces began to look like my friends, colleagues, brothers and sisters, the respected elderly, and eventually it does not matter any more. By a magical touch, I started to hand out my open palm in response, and I embraced the bear hugs, initially with reservation but later with a vengeance, with the people that come into my presence. At the end, everyone was giving each other a heartfelt bear hug and somebody started to weep and sob.

Do you care enough for me to know who I am? Do you care enough for me to accept the person whom I really am? Do you care enough for me to look beyond my outer shell and see the real angel in me?

Dark Moments

As the time drew nearer to the OCM17 4th session, I still have not figured out what to “show and tell” my significant past relationship. Whatever memento that I have from my ex-pals, they are probably scattered somewhere in my home in KL. There is a CD by Madonna, an empty bottle of Boss eau de toilette, a fragment of an old photo, etc. They are like charitable handouts endowed onto me which I scrambled to keep as broken pieces of memory like a scavenger joint.

What came in view was the used canister of aspartame left by my parents. I have kept it within closed range since I inherited it. In some way, it sort of reflect the type of my past relationships. The relationship was sugary sweet but it was never like the real thing, the kind which I longed for. It has expiration date and is fated to turn sour and bitter at the end of its useful life. It is fragile and susceptible to external factor like denial, rejection, contradiction, disapproval, and dispute; eventually it will rot and deteriorate to the effect of exposure to sunlight and dampness.

Symbolically, It brought back sweet memories of the first date and love makings, the meals we had together, the vacation we made like a couple. The fluttering of the heart(s) when the eyes meet, the yearning to spend time together. However, behind my mind, I could not help but keep reminding myself that these were just moments of fleeting pleasure and ephemeral joys of the union of bodies and souls. All these shall come to an end when the time is up.

Blame it on self suppression for fear of exposure and commitment. It pains me enormously for the incomplete closure of my love life since I could never share the up and down of my love journeys with my parents. Blame it on self sabotage, I have the deadly fixation of fouled up relationships, love hate tension, and jealousy. My world is doomed with endless and futile search for true love and relationship.

This is my cynical view of gay relationships through the tainted and distorted lens, which probably were shaped based on past experiences. For self protection, I have chosen to retract into my shell and numb my feelings to prevent further wreckage of whatever little well being left in me.

Slow Down and be Present in Your Life

"We fast-forward, speed-dial, FedEx, speed-date, and dashboard dine. We race deadlines, channel-surf, and instant-message with a vengeance. Multitasking is a way of life. We run all day, and at night we relax with a fast-paced novel. We live in the throes of speed. Whatever we want, we want it now."

Have you ever wonder as you rushed through life, did you miss anything? As you travel from home to work, or from work to home, did you have a moment to enjoy the scenery? While you were talking to a friend or colleague, did your mind wonder about thinking of what to say or you need to rush off some piece of work?

As my friend put it at the end of every session, "Thank you for being in the present. Thank you for being with us." There is no further truth than this! I am guilty as hell, and I do have problem living in the moment. No that it cannot be done, just that I have to put in effort to stay in the moment.

Since little, I remember worrying about school on Monday when it was only Saturday. I was troubled with dusk when it was still morning. I was harried that we will be parting our way when the party has just begun. You see, I am a "worry-er". I kept missing the most important moment in life while looking too far ahead in time. For children, it is a natural thing to stay in the present, see how they play, see how they run. They don't conserve their energy worrying there are homework to be done. As we grew up, we lost this natural gift.

To be present in your life is like paying attention. When we are alert to the world, we improve substantially the quality of our responses and therefore the quality of our lives and the lives of those who touch ours. When we speed through lives, everything is in the blur.

"The presence of our future in our present is an essential feature of the human condition. We act with purpose, which provides us with a window on tomorrow. Even so, we must learn to position ourselves effortlessly within each moment, rather than stumbling through time. We can either escape from the moment or stay with it as it unfolds and do something good with it. It is by doing justice to time that we begin doing justice to people."