On Grief and Grieving

I know it sounds morbid to talk about death in the face of the living. I know it is hard to discuss death where many would feel uncomfortable.

Whenever my mom talked to me about the arrangement of her funeral, I felt uneasy and queasy. It is as if death is near. We all know death is inevitable but I have foolishly hoped that if we don't talk about it, we could delay it as much as possible.

Both my parents were in subprime health since their 50s. My dad suffered from diabetes, hypertension and later he developed total renal failure. We were helpless and witnessed the decline of his health a day at a time until he must undergo haemodialysis to sustain his life. Frequent visits to the dialysis centre and numerous trips to the emergency room for blood transfusion, there was never an easy moment. In the initial stage, my dad took it out on my mom and I as he was in the stage of denial and anger. During his last days, he uttered to me, "For death, one can only face it alone, all by oneself." When he passed away, I was devastated. I felt a sense of deept guilt for not giving him the best medical care and was responsible for his prolonged suffering.

My mom also suffered from diabetes and hypertension. She had a cardiac infarction which left her with a weak heart. Later she has to undergo amputation surgery of her right leg (below knee) because of gangrene on the foot. Maybe it is a common characteristic of female, my mom has a higher level of tolerance and endurance towards pain and illness. After my dad's demise, I was able to give my full attention to my mom to ensure she has a high quality of life despite her invalid status. She had lived her life in dignity and never become a burden to me despite my frequent travel to Shanghai then.

I have found solace and refuge from reading the following books by renowned authors on the subjects of death and grief . The books are written in an empathetic and sensitive manner and it covers the full spectrum of human emotions in the face of dying and grieving. Equip yourself with such insightful knowledge will bring peace within oneself and the understanding of those in grief and dying.

"On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
-- for the person who faces terminal illnesses and coping with the 5 stages of dying, and all those with an interest in bereavement.

"The Needs of the Dying" by David Kessler
-- A guide for bringing hope, comfort, and love to life's final chapter.

"On Grief and Grieving" co-author by Kubler-Ross and Kessler
-- deeply empathetic and accessible guide for those in grief, fuses practical wisdom with spiritual insight as it forges a path to wholeness.

Be Your Best Judge

When we were little, our parents used to punish us if we did something wrong. It is the feeling of guilt that was instilled in us. However, we were too young then to comprehend the mistake that we committed, or to understand the consequences that we brought unto ourselves or the others. As a child, we depend on our parents or teachers to tell us what is right from wrong. It is always a black and white world.

In the grown up world, there are also black and white where crimes like stealing, violence, rape, killing is totally unacceptable. Likewise there are virtues like punctuality, keeping promises, filial piety, faithfulness, which are endorsed by the general public. However, there are also gray areas in our daily lives. The fundamental and golden rule will be "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." In simple words, we should treat people as we would like to be treated, at least with respect, consideration and appreciation.

Feedback that we received should neither be seen as negative or positive, they can be perceived as neutral information to reflect upon ourselves. No one will be judging you over your behaviour and the conduct with our fellow humans. You are the best judge for your own actions and the bearer of the consequences. It should be driven by our conscientious.

After all that were said and done, let's strive towards closing a situation for the better and not the worse. And be hopeful there will always be a way in achieving that!